Say Yes

Like most parents of our generation, necessity dictates that we run a pretty tight ship. There is not much room for movement and flexibility in our schedules from day to day, and when things start to get cancelled or otherwise shift, the entire house of cards that I've so carefully crafted comes tumbling down.  And then the rebuilding and rejiggering and renegotiation of all the necessary pieces of the logistical puzzle begins yet again.  And then my eyes start to bleed.  Kidding.  (Kind of).   

THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED TODAY.

We have planned to spend the weekend in the mountains of western Maryland since the end of the summer.  And we still are.  BUT. . . we had the great good fortune of being able to be FLEXIBLE for once, and the plan that we were able to create was spontaneous and serendipitous and frankly, of the SPIRIT.  THIS NEVER, EVER HAPPENS.  I'm reveling in it.

A great friend called this morning with a tale of heartbreak that all mothers have experienced.  Her boy is hurting.  My boys are at the teen and preteen lonely stage.  And all of our boys are friends.  I asked, could her boy please join us for the weekend?  

YES!  

But it would be much easier for all if we are able to leave tomorrow morning instead of tonight.  

Well, my boys were BEGGING all last night to attend the FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS game at their school.  (Seriously.  I defy you to find a person who doesn't feel exhilarated and ALIVE when hearing the sound of a drum line, feeling the chill of a crisp fall evening, and watching the glare of the lights on a lush, green, freshly lined field.  That, and the prospect of a little middle school or high school shenanigans?  It's just THE MOST FUN).  

So can we leave tomorrow morning?  And can these monkeys go enjoy their Friday Night Lights?

YES.

I texted the boys.  Then the plans started flying.  The biggest one wants to go with his friend and meet Jason at the game.

YES.

The second biggest then borrowed a phone and called.  Could he please go to his friend's house and then meet Dad at the game?

YES.

I told the boys that their old, sweet friend was coming to the mountain with us.  Their responses?

"Sweet!"

"SICK!"  

So.  Are my boys happily ensconced with school friends, thereby feeling less lonely?

YES.

Can I now have a cocktail with my sweet husband on a beautiful fall evening?

YES.

Can we still have a mountain getaway?

YES.

Do I only have to put two little kids to bed instead of four?

HELL YES!

Do I get a quiet night? An entire evening to do as I please?  Drink a glass of wine?  Read a book?  Watch Netflix?  Go to bed early?

Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes and YES. 

Holy guacamole.

I get to say yes.  

What a complete, unexpected pleasure.

This one?  He wants to carve the pumpkin he brought home from school RIGHT NOW.

YES.  Unequivocally, absolutely, positively YES.

This time will pass

My inner voice is loud.  It is bossy.  It is also controlling, unrelentingly negative, and a spoil sport.  And this voice never gets tired and has to be wrestled under control on even the best of days.  Most of the time, I have the wherewithal and reserves to keep this voice in check.  But not today.  Today that voice is the QUEEN OF THE CASTLE.

Today is ordinary.  One could even say beautiful, simply because it is ordinary.  But on days like today. . . a day of sunshine and eggs for breakfast and preschool park field trips and picnic lunches and putting laundry in order and getting the kids from school. . . all GOOD STUFF, right?  And it is good.  And I am deeply, profoundly grateful.  But sometimes all this good stuff feels insurmountable and when you are operating under the insidious cloud of anxiety doused with a bit of depression.  

Or to paraphrase Bono, one of the great spiritual teachers of our time, "You've got stuck in a moment, and now you can't get out of it."   

Today has been this:  Slogging through mud.  Mustering up the energy to get dressed.  Make food.  Eat it.  Being aware of my breath.  Remembering that I am loved by a great big GOOD God more than I can comprehend.  Reminding myself to lean into the mystery and promise of that.  Breathing again.  Remembering that this is temporary and that anxiety is not a truth-teller, but I AM.  THE REAL ME IS A TRUTH-TELLER.  I just have to get to the other side of this moment.

So, where's the spot of joy?  Through whispers and hand-holding and songs.  

Today I spotted joy through the powerful, connecting, healing, restorative power of old school music and lyrics.  Healing poetry, baby.  I am not alone.  I have a beautiful life.  I will feel better soon.

I may be stuck in a moment, but I CAN GET OUT OF IT.  

This time will pass.

"Stuck In A Moment"  --U2

I'm not afraid of anything in this world

There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company
I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake, the colors that you bring
But the nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I still listen through your ears
And through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now, my oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Oh love look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping
For me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now
You're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass It's just a moment
This time will pass