This time will pass

My inner voice is loud.  It is bossy.  It is also controlling, unrelentingly negative, and a spoil sport.  And this voice never gets tired and has to be wrestled under control on even the best of days.  Most of the time, I have the wherewithal and reserves to keep this voice in check.  But not today.  Today that voice is the QUEEN OF THE CASTLE.

Today is ordinary.  One could even say beautiful, simply because it is ordinary.  But on days like today. . . a day of sunshine and eggs for breakfast and preschool park field trips and picnic lunches and putting laundry in order and getting the kids from school. . . all GOOD STUFF, right?  And it is good.  And I am deeply, profoundly grateful.  But sometimes all this good stuff feels insurmountable and when you are operating under the insidious cloud of anxiety doused with a bit of depression.  

Or to paraphrase Bono, one of the great spiritual teachers of our time, "You've got stuck in a moment, and now you can't get out of it."   

Today has been this:  Slogging through mud.  Mustering up the energy to get dressed.  Make food.  Eat it.  Being aware of my breath.  Remembering that I am loved by a great big GOOD God more than I can comprehend.  Reminding myself to lean into the mystery and promise of that.  Breathing again.  Remembering that this is temporary and that anxiety is not a truth-teller, but I AM.  THE REAL ME IS A TRUTH-TELLER.  I just have to get to the other side of this moment.

So, where's the spot of joy?  Through whispers and hand-holding and songs.  

Today I spotted joy through the powerful, connecting, healing, restorative power of old school music and lyrics.  Healing poetry, baby.  I am not alone.  I have a beautiful life.  I will feel better soon.

I may be stuck in a moment, but I CAN GET OUT OF IT.  

This time will pass.

"Stuck In A Moment"  --U2

I'm not afraid of anything in this world

There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company
I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake, the colors that you bring
But the nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I still listen through your ears
And through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now, my oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Oh love look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping
For me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now
You're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass It's just a moment
This time will pass